Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting

(it's a long one folks... buckle up)

It's the last day of the year 2019. I'm sitting on my couch while my husband is at a Phish concert in NYC... and I'm (attempting) to write something that wraps up the year, and gives you a glimpse into what's next for Lindsay ONeill in 2020.

But does anyone really care? I did quite a few fun things - I got ordained and married my mom to her HS boyfriend (reconnected after 46 years), went to my 20th high school reunion, I got a certificate as a Culinary Medicine Chef, drove up the coast of California, helped friends celebrate their 10th vintage of wine, I worked two tech/consulting jobs with some awesome people, I went to lots of doctors' appointments with my daughter Brynn (she's on the mend, thank you for prayers), and sold my beach house - but in-between all of the cool stuff I did, I did a lot of stupid stuff too. Trust me, I did.

Who doesn't do stupid stuff? I mean, there's no perfect people out there... are there? Well, they are all in good company. Not only did I let fear and my ego get in the way of opportunity and growth, I also tried too hard to be liked. So gross! I really cared about looking good, doing things perfectly, and worst of all I did everything (never said "no") and followed every sparkly gold coin that dropped into my fishbowl.

It wasn't until October 1st, 2019 that my stupid behavior got a good old fashion slap in the face. Yup, that's right, on a beautiful Tuesday morning I sat on my back porch crying like a cranky 2 year old. Why? I got laid off from a BIG job, with a BIG title, and a BIG comp package, and I felt like a BIG loser. I didn't even want this job. They courted me, made me turn down other (more soulful) work opportunities. I worked my butt off and gave up spending time with my kids. I leveraged my network to bring in BIG deals to secure our Series A. And in one fail swoop, boom, I'm done. It was a devastating blow even though I had only worked there for 6 weeks!

I went through the 5 stages of grief in about 45 minutes...

8:30AM: Shock & Denial - I called the COO (at 5:30AM his time), "DUDE, I just got fired. Yes he fired me. I don't know why... well maybe I do, but this all must be a sick joke. Am I being hazed? Yes, call me back ASAP and let me know what's going on. This can't be real."

8:47AM - Pain & Guilt - Crying, sobbing and rehashing what I said that could've set my boss off.

8:59AM - Bargaining - Yup, I text bombed my boss... hoping he would call off the firing squad, while also trying to not seem desperate.

9:04AM - Depression - This is when I called in for back up, "Mom, Eric, I was laid off today. Yes, I know I'm still in shock. Yes, it's horrible. I'm not mad. I understand, I guess.

9:15AM - Acceptance - It was meant to be. I'm glad he did it now, and not after I wasted a year of my life, or longer, working there. Now I'll do all of the things I was going to do before I got courted to take this job.

By 9:30AM I was writing a business plan, reaching out to people who've sparked some great ideas, and started following up on opportunities I'd passed on. By Thanksgiving I had 3 Ai/Tech job opportunities, joined an advisory board for a MarTech company, wrote a health content marketing business plan, and began to model out and launch a new CBD line (seriously).

By Christmas I signed up to be the pro bono CMO for a friend's modern candle company (Saint Candles), took on the re-branding and re-design of a business and website for another friend, and got another exciting opportunity to potentially run marketing for a new wellness facility! I also started the process of getting my Health Coach License via NCCA accredited program, ACE. Oh, I am still working on all of the stuff I started in October, and may help market the first performance enhancing probiotic. So cool!

You could say (and you would be right) that I am all over the place. Go ahead, Gayle already told me... and yes, thank you, I am very talented and could do lots of things... but that's not helpful. Just tell me what path to choose already, I'm no good at making big life-changing decisions!

So here I am, wondering how to wrap all of that up in some pretty bow, then tell you that I've chosen a path, picked a lane, gotten on a bus and am riding it into 2020 and beyond. But I can't. I'm still confused. And maybe a little mad. I picked a horse and rode him, then he threw me off into the mud. What if I fail again? What if the next boss or partner doesn't see my value? What if I want to do it all!? Am I really worrying more about what to tell people I'm doing (or not tell them) than I am actually focusing on what feels good, what helps people, and what opportunities give me time and energy to spend on my family?

Seriously, of all the silly things a mother of 3 needs to worry about, and I'm stressing over an email blast and blog post.

Unfortunately I still haven't decided if I dive back in to what I know, what I'm comfortable in (marketing & tech), or put myself out there as a health coach. Aren't there already enough coaches in the world? You can't throw a stone without hitting one these days! Don't get me wrong, I love a good coach, but everyone and their mother wants to be a coach right now... the coach bubble has got to burst soon, right? But I love to help people feel good, and I love to cook, and I'm good at those two things, so why not? What do I have to lose? We'll see...

Through all of my silliness, I found a new direction. And that direction is pointing inward... I know it sounds crass, but I've done some major soul searching this year and have realized that I need to care less about what other's think. I need to put myself first, and learn how to really practice self-care. I need to reshape my own perspectives, and put my ego to bed. Most of all, I need to stay present. I'm really blessed to have a fun life and do some really cool shit.. so, instead of borrowing problems from the future, I need to relish in the joy of the present. It's a hard lesson to learn, but the most important... and yes, still one of the hardest to implement!

Oh, this is where Kung Fu comes in (I know you were like "okay, so why Kung Fu?")... contrary to popular belief, Kung Fu is not considered a "fighting" practice. It is an art of Merit + Master. It takes years of hard work and patience. It takes introspection, presence, and self discipline. This is what our lives are all about. As we battle through attacks in our daily lives, the concept of Kung Fu keeps us grounded in our perspective of personal development while promoting health, fitness, agility and vitality, and of course the ability to defend (protect/insulate) ourselves. I probably am not going to take up a Kung Fu practice, but I am going to take a page from the concept of the practice!

So where does that leave us? Really we are left no where and everywhere at the same time. No decisions shall be made hastily, nor made in fear, nor because of a triggered ego. No sir, I ain't gonna do it. Stay tuned because someday, I may just pick a lane.

Happy New Year!

XO, Lindz